Off-Season Body Dysmorphia!

Well, I know this isnt exactly "Inspirational", but I wasnt sure where else to put this thread, and I figured that Inspiration and Motivation is what is needed...so here it is. 

Just after my last show, the thought of eating and eating and putting on more and more size to come in more muscular for my next show seemed really quite appealling.  Now that I am deep into the off season, I am beginning to struggle with the added weight.

I have typically always maintained a pretty lean physique, but I also know that if I want to put on some real size, I will need to suspend that ideal for a little while.  But I dont like it!!  I feel smaller now, even with the added weight, then I do during contest prep...b/c I have lost a lot of my definition.  The effect was exasserbated this morning when I had to adjust my inzer up a notch!  that one hurt!

The fact of the matter is, I am not that bad...but it still is tough sometimes to look in the mirror and not see your "best" looking back at you.

Its a big picture sort of thing for sure...but sometimes you just need a little support.  So that is what this thread is all about...I know that basically all of us are in the off-season...or just coming out of it...and I know that most of us are obsessive!  so go ahead and let it all out here!

I find that the only thing that makes me feel better about the extra size is when I make some big gains in the gym...which is why last week I was struggling with this so much...my squat last week actually went down...so I started feeling bummed a bit, but this morning I went into the gym and destroyed my previous record on the Sumo Deadlift...so I am feeling pretty good.

Truth be told, none of us should ever feel bad about how we look, we push ourselved much harder than most, and we all have fantastic physiques, not to mention the inner strength to commit and drive so hard.

So as Sean (or Kramer) would say..."Look away...Im Hideous!!!"

LOL

JC 

I'm feeling anything but inspirational - so if this post ends up depressing versus inspiring, I apologize..........

Jordan I know exactly what you mean.  I really like the stage ready me ALOT!   I know that I look fine right now -  I have bicep veins and a soft image of abs (sigh).  But I don't have hard etched lines and I don't like the way my clothes fit. 

My problem right now is different then acceptance of what I see in the mirror.  I can't figure out how to settle into contest prep.  I am seeing myself behaving in ways that I think are pretty dysfunctional and border line clinical.   I kinda feel like a fish flapping around @ the end of the line.  I keep thrashing and resisting, then I will give in for a bit think I'm good and about to land back on board, and then I start resisting again.  Time is ticking I'm not doing a thing to help my physique diet wise (thank god my training is still on point) and I don't like it ONE BIT!

But enough about me :-)

Jordan if you are anywhere near what you looked like in November YOU LOOK GREAT!!!  You are going to have to have the size to play with the big boys (light or heavy).  You know that and your eye will adjust to the growing you.  Just when it does you will start to diet down and start to hate looking flat and small.  **Heavy Sigh**  Such is our lives.

Jordan- I'm with you 100%. If I could I would stay within 10 lbs of contest at any given time like Jon Harris. TWO main problems with that:

1.) I have a tendency to pull what is known as a "Dan" which automatically makes me gain over 12 lbs in 4 days.

2.) I'm at a point in my career where staying at 163 @ 6'0 is not helping AT ALL.

So this leaves me with the realization that I must eat and grow. Now is the time- muscle is like a 2-for-1 with all these hormones I have going on. I hear puberty is "off the chain".

So as I'm eating all this food and getting progressively softer I eventually forget what a contest body feels like- when I look at pictures it's like staring back at a foggy dream that I'm not sure even happened. My girlfriend says she doesn't even remember this supposed "six pack". 

I am struggling with this too.

Yesterday, a lady at work, who is MUCH heavier than me...doesn't work out, very out of shape,very flabby, etc....said to me, "we probably weigh about the same, we're the same size."    I just looked at her stunned.  I couldn't reply.

It took my husband an hour after work last night to convince me she is delusional.   It made me afraid, I really do look like her.  Oh my.

I wonder if we all have Body Image Disturbance or Body Dysmorphic disorder.

Oh boy, do I ever!

Shelly, I think you hit the nail on the head...we all suffer from it in one way or another.

I honestly feel like my legs are tree trunks and my @$$ is the size of a Mack Truck...the "7lbs" I mentioned in an earlier thread is floating below my belly button and above my knees...blah...or at least the way I feel

I try to remember...people dont get "us"...they never will...but we all have something inside us that is so much stronger and more passionate than most...and that makes each and everyone of us such incredible driven motivated athletes

Keep training hard, stay focused and SMILE...your personal goal/reward is so worth it!

Hey JC,

It is all about your interpretation. It really is just the price of doing business. It is dieting in reverse. How come you can rationalize eating rice cakes and plain dry chicken for 3 months (which is extremely abnormal) yet you cannot add a little bodyfat without freaking out? Because it is your interpretation of how you think the outside world sees you (bodybuilder/fitness model/object of admiration, etc). Do you worry that people will think you are a weirdo because you carry a cooler everywhere you go? Probably not any more, right? You have learned to overcome that feeling. It is the same thing here. You need to focus on the big picture (as you stated yourself). Keep your eye on the prize (the next time you step on stage) and nothing else matters. This is just another sacrifice. There are a million bodybuilders that wish they had your problem (eating 500-600 CHO per day......poor you ). Just re-work the wiring, you'll be fine.

Murph

So it is obvious that we all have related feelings when it comes to this topic...I hope that I didnt take anything away from people who might be reading this and not posting that may actually have BDD, b/c what I am experiencing, and I believe the rest of the team, is just what Murph said "the price of doing business", and not really a debilitating clinical case of BDD.

That being said...Murph I think you are right is questioning why "we" can be ok with the dieting, and not the bulking...and for the most part you are probably right in assuming that it is how we feel the external world sees us.  But I think there is an additional element to this...one of control.  I think that it would be safe to assume that many of us in this sport are in some ways "control freaks", maybe not in other facets of our lives, but certainly in the bbing and figure world.

I dont see how you can successfully prep for a contest without keeping tight control on the reigns.  With that in mind, we enter the off season with the intent of "controling" ourselfs right into a bigger, more muscular "us".  When I am deep into the off season and I feel the clothes fitting extra snug, and the definition running away, I sometimes worry that I am loosing control of my progress, b/c the measuring stick in the off season is a different one than during contest prep.  During prep, you look in the mirror and say: yep...I look harder, tighter, oop theres another ab! lol...but in the offseason you cant use that same ruler, or you end up "freaking out".  and it is difficult to stop trying to use that standard.  During off season you can really only go by the scale and the poundage increase you are lifting in the gym to assure that you are building muscle.  and sometimes the scale isnt all that truthful, b/c who is to say that 1/2 pound you just put on is made up of the stuff you want...

So, yes, I think that there was a time when I was more concerned with what the outter world saw when they looked at me, but I believe I have gotten away from that when it comes to my progress in this sport (until I step on stage in front of the judges for sure), but now my concern is one geared more towards trying to assure that I am not floundering and keeping myself pointed in the right direction.  Dont get me wrong, being "controling" is not without its concerns, "control" is at the root of some very serious disorders, and something to be paid attention to.  Which is part of the reason I started this thread, not only for support, but also to help us from letting the control "control" us.

It is just a sport, and a great one at that, and for most it is really a lifestyle, but sometimes it can get away from us, and I am thankful for all of you that you are here to help keep us grounded.

JC 

Jordan,

Thanks for starting the thread, and all those who have added to the post. It could not have came at a more perfect time. It's comforting to know your not alone. Sometime, I think we go day-to-day, thinking we are all alone struggling with the off-season body image—and of course you have to love the "your obviously not dieting or you actually do eat something other than chicken and rice" comments that come from those who don't get our passion with this sport. Which then makes you think that its clearly obvious your gaining weight.  

Its tough when you have this big plan going into the off season, telling your self I'm gonna do it different this time? But then its those first few cheat meals that then turn into cheat days and then before you know it the scale has gone up and those "skinny" no longer fit and the frustration sets in. 

I often wonder if others are feeling, that because we know how to control and manipulate our body's .... that once it's time to flip the switch to go back into diet mode, that its easiers not to think twice about eating that entire container...... of well .... what ever:) 

From all of us who almost never post ..... Many thanks to all of you who do! It's nice knowing there is a supportive group to turn to even if its just to read along.

she 

Thanks Murph, I see what you are saying.....just rewire the thinking.  I don't even bat an eye anymore when the women at work poke fun at me for the food I pack for a 12 hour shift.   I need to rewire my brain.  :)

I agree with everybody, empathize and understand. One of the hardest aspects is that physique athletes are few and far between- so I'm very glad I have friends like you who "get it".

I have to say, Jordan hit it on something that I've experienced. Bodybuilding makes me look at situations differently and make different decisions- some of which are to my detriement. Sometimes I'll lose out on doing something or going somewhere because it wouldn't "vibe" with my eating ("How am I supposed to get in 250g protien if I'm on a BOAT all day" etc.)

During a prep that's understandable- you're too tired, you don't feel like cooking all that food, you have to train- etc. But during an "offseason" you HAVE to allow yourself to do some NORMAL human activities with bodybuilding in the "background". See what I'm saying? I know I've mentioned it before, but I'll say it again: I ALMOST DIDN'T TAKE STUDY ABROAD SCHOLARSHIPS TO GREECE BECAUSE IT MIGHT AFFECT MY EATING/TRAINING. How asinine is THAT? Life and bodybuilding lifestyle should flow seamlessley- MAKE IT WORK if you really want it. 

Now- I realize that everybody wants to improve and prioritize (Jim Cordova- don't listen to this, just keep doing what you're doing)- but otherwise we all need to learn how to relax. We're still living an extreme life, but we need to learn how to associate and mingle with "earthlings" as Mary Ford would call them. Bodybuilding is important, but make sure that you're not sacrificing life enjoyment or opportunities for it, because it will ALWAYS be there (just ask Reed Masters)

I guess all this addresses the "control" aspect Jordan hit on. Speaking of which, I still track my food- on the Excel spreadsheet, with precision, everyday. That may not be NORMAL, but it makes me feel like I have control, even if I'm eating badly, atleast I know HOW badly.

dan I hear you 100% when i was your age i had reverse anorexia or "bigorexia" I would wear nothing but baggy bodybuilding clothes, stuff my face with endless calories and train as heavy and as hard as i could. I would skip holidays, weddings whatever stood in the way of my training or eating right. I would always look in the mirror and see myself as small and puny. I realize now that bodybuilding is only one aspect of our lives, (sure for some its a main part)  you have to put it in its proper perspective. Think about it we diet and diet and diet and then on show day we are at the mercy of 7 individuals OPINION of us. Its only a bodybuilding show.

Yeah I probably have "bigorexia" as well- but it keeps me motivated. Who here ever really thinks- "nah, I'm big enough"

Even Cordova thinks he's small. Well...maybe not. Jim, wanna speak up?